Last night you slept next to an angel.
You said, "I'm all yours," as sleep finally won you over. You remember how your heart was actively attempting to escape through your chest solely through blunt force. You pictured, just for the briefest of moments, that your lungs belonged to the same being, and you couldn't help but realize that your breathing was matched and you wondered in the darkness then, with nothing but sweet vanilla filling ever-flared nostrils, if this was what Love was always supposed to feel like, and whether or not you've just been kidding yourself this whole time, ridiculously unaware that two separate people could possibly fit together so well and so effortlessly. She is a powerful being. That is the only thing I'm truly certain of at the moment. She said,
"I imagined the shape of your penis..." which in itself was something you'd never heard, "and I am glad I was right." She continued, "In fact, I may or may not have masturbated for an hour envisioning it in my head," which was another something you'd not heard... Not in that way. Not like that. Never like that.
She's got a way about her.
You were intrigued and slightly self-conscious, as you did not last as long as you would have liked, which would've been somewhere towards the end of "Third Eye" and not necessarily shortly after the first verse. Then you convulsed, as you've been known to do, for several minutes, trying to regain some semblance of composure, though she solely watched you do so, getting much more pleasure from the view of a man wracked with full body spasms, as that may not have been something she's seen. At least for awhile.
We've both a similarly checkered past, searching for the glimmering Nirvana of the one precious, fleeting moment of pure, white light that sears itself to screwed-shut retinas and leaves fuzzy star bursts doing a dance of spiraling mitosis on the outskirts of your view, that is, when you feel like you are able to open your eyes again. It's not from shame, this inability to keep watching each possible expression and moment, but rather the feeling that you are somehow unworthy of this, that you should never had an opportunity to feel this joy. This all-encompassing transcendence of the reality around you, where worry and preoccupation are surgically removed from your being so very completely that you're no longer certain if they're simply words you've made up in your head to fill the unbearably long years it has taken you to find each other.
At this point in the day, you've stepped away from the book, you may or may not have ingested an additional ten milligrams of crazy calm in halves, you've prepared dinner for forty, and you've realized something profoundly important about the situation with your guardian angel:
Although you've not felt like this in quite a long, long, long, long, long, still unbearably long, long, far too long, essentially your whole life, long time, you've begun to see her true self: though she's had a much more difficult existence than most, she has harnessed that loss into a pure power of healing energy. Which made you come to the aforementioned realization: even though you are well in Love with her, you know that as of just over a month ago, she did not make the wrong decision. He needs her now, at this point in time, more than you. She has the power to bring him back from the brink, and you have the power to genuinely make her happy for the rest of both your days. Herein lies the dilemma. You love her. She does love you, however unbelievable that is to you. He loves her, and she, him, as well. You're sitting in the gazebo in the Woods where the farmer's daughter was married. You're listening to a mass slowly shifting from tipsy to beyond. You feel the energy of the Forest. You just made the thunder rumble appreciatively in the distance. You know that you're better for her, long term. You know she's best for him for as long as she can hack it. The name of the game is patience. Someone said it was virtuous. You think, Fuck you, guy. This is going to be painful.
In the palm of your hand is the power to wash all her worry and doubt and pain and anguish and dark history away and bring her moreso into the Now, while she helps you do the same. You want her so badly for your own that it's terrifying you. The cards were dealt. Now, we three must interpret what we want their meanings to entail.
You're not stepping aside, because you can't. I won't let you. You've made enough mistakes in your life thus far. How about we start figuring out what the right plan of action is for US. Oh yeah, that's right: patience.
The thunder rumbles in agreement.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Monday, May 26, 2014
Saturday, the 14th of September, 2013
How long has it been since you've cooked breakfast for someone? Probably too long and it was most likely for a man, at that. Real slick, Slick. A sentence to encompass what just transpired in the form of a list: 4 eggs, half a container of roasted red potatoes, a healthy blanket of organic salsa, slathering of Chalula ('cause why not?), four small slices of Pepperjack strategically placed, five strips of bacon, two cups of Boom., Almond milk splash, sugar in the raw, Love, and topped with a Cilantro-Lime aioli. Sweet, heavenly flutterbys. Who are you? Fantastic. She was finished as you were, raring to go on this day of days.
You fell in love on Friday the 13th, as that's supposed to be significant and therefore you've written it down. How did this happen? Now you're both our on your metal staircase, writing in tandem, an endless dance that is most definitely not a waltz. More like a salsa or merengue, which you keep trapped within yourself, deep down where no one has sifted through to look in a rather long time. She did, with spade and hammer, crashing through layers of rock and sorrows long fossilized in impenetrable cakings about your warm, gooey center. Digging and digging, and gently coaxing the grit from your heart with a fine-haired brush, ever so softly. She held her treasure aloft in the morning sunlight, and was pleased. Not just pleased, but enthralled with the teaming powers encapsulated within its ragged crystalline form. The vibrations warmed her fingers and palms, coursing icy, yet comfortable, shivers to the base of her spine and back again. I resounded as a smile through her entire being -- my essence melding to hers.
Last night I experience my first seemingly Tantric moment. Spasms wracked my body, and if there were words to speak then that were right, I would have, and instead I burbled growls and yearned with moans and purs. The message got across, regardless, as I am finding terribly quickly that we are of a single mind, and it is the single-most terrifying thought I've ever encountered.
Never. Never had I thought this possible. Even now I feel I can't watch her straight on, lest I blind myself insane upon her radiance. What am I to do now?
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Now you know where Home is, and I'm slowly losing grip of my worries, which I've held onto as she holds my crystal heart: adoringly, nurturingly, fully concerned with absolutely nothing else, all-knowingly coaxing it to be still. She whispers to the gem in her palm,
"It will be alright. I've found you now."
This. This is what you were "supposed to stop looking for", as it would find you on its own. It has. Spending your life contemplating where your counterpart resides, solely because you've felt criminally incomplete this whole time. You begin to wonder whether each inexplicable turmoil and swing of depression was solely a significant heartache of the other and you were simply crestfallen by the distance and the powers of your empathetic link. Yelling at the shadows, because you've felt her there all along, feeling around in the darkness for you. You went to call out to her. Made the sound that explains your true self, and it attracted scavengers posed as her: shape-shifting succubi with sonorous sussurus, sweetly sapping essential sorrows from a soul you're still not sure exists. All I know is you weren't ready for her 'til this very moment. She wanted you as you are, not as you were while you hoped to be a better version of yourself. "Thank you, playlist." You're pulling it all together now, and it's terrifying, because you were certain that you had felt Love and understood what it entailed and understood how to stoke its embers. Those were false images and feelings. True love simply is. It's not something that you have to work to create, simply open up to, and it comes spilling in, in a single rush, filling the empty crevasses that have rung hollow behind your eyes for far too long.
It screams, "I'm here, I'm here, I'm here!" And you smile at its adorable mannerisms and thought processes, as you know they are yours. Both of you as one against the crushing weight of existence, except now it is simply a hawk's feather you hold onto for good luck. Those experiences shaped you into this man.
I have been found. I am someone's home, and she mine. Now the forest beckons. Let's dance.
You fell in love on Friday the 13th, as that's supposed to be significant and therefore you've written it down. How did this happen? Now you're both our on your metal staircase, writing in tandem, an endless dance that is most definitely not a waltz. More like a salsa or merengue, which you keep trapped within yourself, deep down where no one has sifted through to look in a rather long time. She did, with spade and hammer, crashing through layers of rock and sorrows long fossilized in impenetrable cakings about your warm, gooey center. Digging and digging, and gently coaxing the grit from your heart with a fine-haired brush, ever so softly. She held her treasure aloft in the morning sunlight, and was pleased. Not just pleased, but enthralled with the teaming powers encapsulated within its ragged crystalline form. The vibrations warmed her fingers and palms, coursing icy, yet comfortable, shivers to the base of her spine and back again. I resounded as a smile through her entire being -- my essence melding to hers.
Last night I experience my first seemingly Tantric moment. Spasms wracked my body, and if there were words to speak then that were right, I would have, and instead I burbled growls and yearned with moans and purs. The message got across, regardless, as I am finding terribly quickly that we are of a single mind, and it is the single-most terrifying thought I've ever encountered.
Never. Never had I thought this possible. Even now I feel I can't watch her straight on, lest I blind myself insane upon her radiance. What am I to do now?
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Now you know where Home is, and I'm slowly losing grip of my worries, which I've held onto as she holds my crystal heart: adoringly, nurturingly, fully concerned with absolutely nothing else, all-knowingly coaxing it to be still. She whispers to the gem in her palm,
"It will be alright. I've found you now."
This. This is what you were "supposed to stop looking for", as it would find you on its own. It has. Spending your life contemplating where your counterpart resides, solely because you've felt criminally incomplete this whole time. You begin to wonder whether each inexplicable turmoil and swing of depression was solely a significant heartache of the other and you were simply crestfallen by the distance and the powers of your empathetic link. Yelling at the shadows, because you've felt her there all along, feeling around in the darkness for you. You went to call out to her. Made the sound that explains your true self, and it attracted scavengers posed as her: shape-shifting succubi with sonorous sussurus, sweetly sapping essential sorrows from a soul you're still not sure exists. All I know is you weren't ready for her 'til this very moment. She wanted you as you are, not as you were while you hoped to be a better version of yourself. "Thank you, playlist." You're pulling it all together now, and it's terrifying, because you were certain that you had felt Love and understood what it entailed and understood how to stoke its embers. Those were false images and feelings. True love simply is. It's not something that you have to work to create, simply open up to, and it comes spilling in, in a single rush, filling the empty crevasses that have rung hollow behind your eyes for far too long.
It screams, "I'm here, I'm here, I'm here!" And you smile at its adorable mannerisms and thought processes, as you know they are yours. Both of you as one against the crushing weight of existence, except now it is simply a hawk's feather you hold onto for good luck. Those experiences shaped you into this man.
I have been found. I am someone's home, and she mine. Now the forest beckons. Let's dance.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Nesting
Ladies and Gentlemen, friends all,
Emily and I have made it to Lawrence, KS. We traveled first to Harrisburg and stayed the night with Dennis and Co. after visiting the Troegs brewery. Heavenly. Had a nice dinner and some good conversations. The travel plans unfortunately fell in the middle of the week, and we weren't able to spend too much time together, but we were welcomed lovingly and it was great to see everyone.
From there we ventured SW, stopping off in Nashville for an evening at an extremely nice hotel. The next day, Em bought her first electric guitar at a great place just out of downtown and I played at a disc golf course in Smyrna. That night we camped at Henry Horton State Park in Chapel Hill, TN. Aptly named town. We got off the exit for the park around 10:30PM, and the landscape took on a "Sleepy Hollow/Texas Chainsaw Massacre/Children of the Corn" feel. Eight miles from the highway, and we saw at least ten various churches. Set up camp in the dark, and made a successful fire.
The next morning we unpacked the car and re-Tetrised it for the final 11 hour leg to Lawrence. Before departing I played a round at the Henry Horton Disc Golf Course.
Reviews to come, and I'll splice in photos if/when found.
About to head out and meet some folks, but I wanted to say that I'm thinking about you all and would love to hear from you. The phone number's the same, and will stay that way, I believe.
I love you all dearly.
- Andrew
Emily and I have made it to Lawrence, KS. We traveled first to Harrisburg and stayed the night with Dennis and Co. after visiting the Troegs brewery. Heavenly. Had a nice dinner and some good conversations. The travel plans unfortunately fell in the middle of the week, and we weren't able to spend too much time together, but we were welcomed lovingly and it was great to see everyone.
From there we ventured SW, stopping off in Nashville for an evening at an extremely nice hotel. The next day, Em bought her first electric guitar at a great place just out of downtown and I played at a disc golf course in Smyrna. That night we camped at Henry Horton State Park in Chapel Hill, TN. Aptly named town. We got off the exit for the park around 10:30PM, and the landscape took on a "Sleepy Hollow/Texas Chainsaw Massacre/Children of the Corn" feel. Eight miles from the highway, and we saw at least ten various churches. Set up camp in the dark, and made a successful fire.
The next morning we unpacked the car and re-Tetrised it for the final 11 hour leg to Lawrence. Before departing I played a round at the Henry Horton Disc Golf Course.
Reviews to come, and I'll splice in photos if/when found.
About to head out and meet some folks, but I wanted to say that I'm thinking about you all and would love to hear from you. The phone number's the same, and will stay that way, I believe.
I love you all dearly.
- Andrew
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
First Time
Hello, there.
This is a new blog for me. I haven't done this in a while, so bear with me... The purpose of this one is to give an update to friends/family/whoever as to what I'm up to.
At the end of this month, I'm moving out of Connecticut for the first time in my life, and I am nervous.
As with any change, there are things that I'm excited about experiencing, but I'm also worried. Like many of us, my mind tends to shoot out all those "worst-case scenarios" for me to ponder day in and out. But, I'm currently living my "Best-case scenario" and learning to fend off this cynical side I've cultivated through the depressing years and all the disappointing relationships. I'm currently living with an amazingly powerful woman who loves me even when I'm being a goof, maybe even moreso when I am. She sees me for the person I am, and loves me for him, not the 'him' she thinks she can change me into. She sees where I'm heading in my personal development, and wants me to be with her for the rest of our time here. I couldn't be happier.
Emily, you are truly a Godsend. If I were a more faithful man, there'd be some heavy prayer and thanks in order, but since I'm not, I'll thank you, personally. You are the star on the treasure map. I've been diggin' my whole life, and I'd all but lost hope, trudging through the caverns in search of the prize. For years I'd started giving into the weight of the whole process, and I saw no end in sight. There were times when I thought I would simply drift off into the obscurity of shadow. All this emotional laboring for naught. You stepped into the light of my miner's helmet (really getting into this metaphor?) and changed everything for me.
I only hope that I'm somehow repaying this life-changing happening. I'm learning to see my better qualities through your eyes, and it helps. Confidence that is so humble, there'll never be an opportunity for cockiness to sully its sheen.
Within these posts I'll catalog our travels. I'll show the projects I've been working on and completing, the disc golf courses I visit, the camping trips we take, all the sights and experiences.
So, if you love the great outdoors, if you love exploration and adventure, if you love Love and its transformative powers, or if you plainly want a window into our lives to keep our memory close, read on.
I'll try to keep this updated as frequently as possible, but, seeing as I'm incredibly flaky with this sort of shenaniganry, I'll vow for at the very least, one post a week. An overview and recap of what we're doing, how things are going, etc.
Here's to the connections we share with the ones we love. Cheers.
- Andrew
This is a new blog for me. I haven't done this in a while, so bear with me... The purpose of this one is to give an update to friends/family/whoever as to what I'm up to.
At the end of this month, I'm moving out of Connecticut for the first time in my life, and I am nervous.
As with any change, there are things that I'm excited about experiencing, but I'm also worried. Like many of us, my mind tends to shoot out all those "worst-case scenarios" for me to ponder day in and out. But, I'm currently living my "Best-case scenario" and learning to fend off this cynical side I've cultivated through the depressing years and all the disappointing relationships. I'm currently living with an amazingly powerful woman who loves me even when I'm being a goof, maybe even moreso when I am. She sees me for the person I am, and loves me for him, not the 'him' she thinks she can change me into. She sees where I'm heading in my personal development, and wants me to be with her for the rest of our time here. I couldn't be happier.
Emily, you are truly a Godsend. If I were a more faithful man, there'd be some heavy prayer and thanks in order, but since I'm not, I'll thank you, personally. You are the star on the treasure map. I've been diggin' my whole life, and I'd all but lost hope, trudging through the caverns in search of the prize. For years I'd started giving into the weight of the whole process, and I saw no end in sight. There were times when I thought I would simply drift off into the obscurity of shadow. All this emotional laboring for naught. You stepped into the light of my miner's helmet (really getting into this metaphor?) and changed everything for me.
I only hope that I'm somehow repaying this life-changing happening. I'm learning to see my better qualities through your eyes, and it helps. Confidence that is so humble, there'll never be an opportunity for cockiness to sully its sheen.
Within these posts I'll catalog our travels. I'll show the projects I've been working on and completing, the disc golf courses I visit, the camping trips we take, all the sights and experiences.
So, if you love the great outdoors, if you love exploration and adventure, if you love Love and its transformative powers, or if you plainly want a window into our lives to keep our memory close, read on.
I'll try to keep this updated as frequently as possible, but, seeing as I'm incredibly flaky with this sort of shenaniganry, I'll vow for at the very least, one post a week. An overview and recap of what we're doing, how things are going, etc.
Here's to the connections we share with the ones we love. Cheers.
- Andrew
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